Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Making promises I can't keep

Promises are a big thing in our house. If we make a promise we mean it and we don't break it. But I've started to make promises to Thomas that I can't for sure follow through.  
I promise him that I won't die for a long time; not until I'm an old lady. 

Six months ago I'd have said this to him and believed it, but since my heart attack I'm not so sure. And it makes me feel sad. Sad that I promise something I have no control over, sad that I've had a heart attack and sad that my lovely little boy even thinks about me dying.

Sometimes when I'm putting Thomas to bed and we're having a chat he'll want to talk about what happened. To be honest on these nights there's not much talking, just a lot of sobbing from him and comments along the lines of 'I don't want you to die' and ' Is your heart mended now'. It's heartbreaking to listen to and it tears me apart hearing him crying and worrying about what might happen.

Of course, the down to earth mother in me realises that being tired at the end of the day plays a part in these emotions and that being frightened of dying is a normal phase for children to go through, but for Thomas it must all seem a real possibility. After all, he saw paramedics wire me up to monitors, heard frantic phone calls to family to come and get him and Amy and then saw me being driven away in an ambulance with the sirens blaring. And at that moment in time nobody knew what the outcome would be.

He's a very sensitive boy and the whole thing has obviously affected him. I mean, he carries on as normal, he plays out, he's not clingy and he can be a cheeky monkey - in fact a typical 7 year old. But he says things. For example, he enjoys school, has plenty of friends and is a bright little lad who does well in his lessons. But he tells me that sometimes he doesn't want to go because he's frightened of leaving me in case something happens. He also has to give me so many kisses and hugs in the morning before he leaves that we've had to bring our routine forward.
I don't know if I'm dealing with all this in the right way, but I'm led by him. We talk about it whenever he wants to and I try to reassure him that my heart is better and I'm going to be fine. He's seen the BHF advert and when he asks me about this, I explain as gently as I can that everybody dies and that some people die from poorly hearts. They are hard conversations to have though. Very hard.

So, Thomas, my post today is especially for you. Firstly, you must always remember that I love you. And I truly hope that one day, when I am an old lady, we'll sit down together and read this and I'll be able to say, 'See, I never break my promises'. 


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